Lisa Kay Jennings
Even if you didn’t personally have a stage mom yourself, you probably knew one unlucky friend or classmate who did. Here’s a list to bring back that certain chill that comes with the terror of being in the presence of a true stage mom:
1. Her Vocabulary Was Always Up to Snuff
While other moms said things like, “You looked great when you spun around a whole bunch,” the Stage Mom learned the technical terms so she could properly critique your fouette en tournant.
2. She Was a Jill of All Trades
She has signed up for every backstage job at one time or another. Her resume boasts stage lighting, seamstress, stage manager, set designer, etc. She’ll do anything to help her help you get that bigger and better part.
3. Theatre Directors Feared Her
Every run-in with your mom was a chance for her to bend them to her will, whether to land you a bigger part or complain about how short your solo was.
4. She Hijacked Your Social Life
Your weekends were always spent practicing your dance moves or your vocal selections, instead of riding bikes and playing with your friends. You loved it, but your mom loved it even more.
5. She Was Way More Into It Than You Were
She was cracking open the bubbly when you got your first speaking role; meanwhile, you were still unsure whether you were cool with public speaking.
6. She Took the Same Classes as You
To better correct your form, of course.
7. Every Celebration Was a Chance to Celebrate You
There wasn’t a barbecue or family reunion that passed without your mom demanding you perform in front of the whole family, much to the chagrin of your relatives, who were too polite to tell her you were flat.
8. She Was Your Own Personal PR Rep
When you got the solo in school choir, everyone had to hear about it — including your waiter at TGI Fridays.
9. Her Money Was Where Your Mouth Was
She spent your family’s vacation money on your voice lessons, demo tapes and teeth bleaching. Your siblings still resent this, but were relieved they weren’t the center of your mother’s crazed attention.
10. She Was Off-Book Before You Were
Seriously, she knew your lines by heart and relished the opportunity to tell you when you missed a word or phase. She also knew exactly how many lines you had, and didn’t hesitate to share that information with her coworkers or friends.
11. She Put Your Career Over Your Education
She offered to homeschool you so you’d have more time to hone your craft.
12. She Had a Certain Flair for the Dramatic
Don’t worry, Mom just locked herself in the bathroom for hours because you didn’t make the cast list.
13. Her Nagging Sounded Different Than the Other Moms’
Instead of, “Don’t forget your coat,” it was, “Don’t forget your lines.” Instead of “You’re not leaving the house wearing all that makeup,” it was, “That’s not enough blush, and where are your false eyelashes?”
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