Look at what it did to Anthony
It made a “mark” out of Anthony
If love could do that to Anthony
What chance have I with love?

Look at what it did to Samson
‘Til he lost his hair he was brave
If a haircut could weaken Samson
They could murder me with a shave

Louie Number Fifteen, King of France
They say he suffered with each romance
If love kicked him in the royal pants
What chance have I
An ordinary guy
What chance have I with love?

Look at what it did to Adam
From that bite he could not escape
If an apple could finish Adam
They could knock me off with a grape

Miss Lucrezia Borgia, deep in sin
She poisoned her lovers when they dropped in
If they wound up with a Mickey Finn
What chance have I
An ordinary guy
What chance have I with love?

Look what love did for Reno
It put Reno on the map
When a woman goes to Reno
It’s because some man is a sap

Tommy Manville’s love is not returned
He sells asbestos and he has learned
That with asbestos he still gets burned
What chance have I
An ordinary guy
What chance have I with love?

Yet I find, as I wait on my tables
And serve them their baskets of bread
I can’t help but think
As they pick out a drink
Of what I would order instead…

I’d order love
Delicious, well-seasoned and rare
I’d order love
A big enough portion to share
Bring me all of the heartache
A small side of woe
That flavor of longing
That I long to know
I don’t need a menu
Just someone to care for my heart
Yes, I’d order love
There’s no better dish to start

I’d order love
That’s spicy and steaming and hot
Oh, I’d order love
So juicy – it hits the spot
I crave nights full of passion
All drizzled with lust
Breakfast in bed
Is an absolute must
Then bring on the marriage
But don’t top it off with divorce
Yes, I’d order love
It’s the very best second course

I’m tired of always observing
Loving couples, all dreamy and sweet
For years, I’ve been patiently waiting
When’s it gonna be my time to eat?
This lack of attention’s unnerving
I fear that I’m losing my grip

If cupid keeps up this substandard service
I’m screwing him out of his tip!
He don’t get no tip!
Big finish!

I’d order love
Appetizer, main course and dessert – ball change!
Yes, I’d order love
Even if it was peppered with hurt
‘Cause at least I could savor
The way that it feels
To not eat alone
For each one of my meals

There’s a lot on the menu –
I’d have something else if I could
But I’d order love
‘Cause there’s nothing else earth
That tastes so good!
Mmm, it tastes so good
Oh so very good
So good, so good

MENDEL
I love you dear.
I think you’re swell.
You’re never near me close enough to tell
If I’m delightful or not.

I need your wrist.
I praise your thigh.
There’s not a guy,
There’s not a piece of paper,
There’s not a man in pants
Who could love you the same as I!

Oftentimes, lovers are crazy people.
Sometimes they kill each other.
Just like a biblical brother
Did to his biblical brother
Back in biblical times.

TRINA
Biblical times?

MARVIN
Biblical times?

MENDEL
Uh, biblical times.

Oh, those’ biblical times!
I love your eyes.
I love your face.
I want you by my side to take my place
If I get sick or detained.

Don’t brush your hair, you?re perfect.
Don’t start to cry.
There’s not a guy,
There’s not a horse or zebra,
There’s not a giant man
Who could love you the same as I!

Forget that giant man,
He won’t love you the same as I!
I’m not a giant man,
But I’ll love you until,
Love you until,
I die!

Hello! Yeah, this is HC. Un-huh. What do you mean today? She’s here today?
Oh, my god! Well, thanks, Mildred. Thanks for callin’.
Boys, I got some good news! Your sister’s comin’ Home early.

NOAH & JIM
Yippeeee!

HC
Boys, i got some bad news. Your sister’s comin’ Home early.

JIM
Huh’

HC
She’ll be here directly in five minutes!

NOAH
Oh my god!

JIM
Now what’s so bad about that? All we gotta do is-

NOAH & JIM
Clean up!

HC
When lizzie is here
The house is full of laughter.
When lizzie is here
It has a woman’t touch.

When lizzie is here
We get together after
Our supper is over,
Sit in the parlor,
Singing together,
When lizzie is here.
When lizzie is here,
I start to recall her maw.

NOAH & JIM
And lizzie is comin’ Home!

HC
Lizzie is on the way!

HC, NOAH & JIM
Lizzie’s arrivin’ Today!
Got to get busy!

HC
Fix up for lizzie!
Lizzie’s comin’’

HC, NOAH & JIM
Home!

NOAH
When lizzie is here
I don’t get indigestion.
When lizzie is here
My appetite is fine.

When lizzie is here
There’s never any question
There’s beefsteak with gravy.
Hot buttered biscuits,
Fresh apple crumble.
When lizzie is here.
When lizzie is here,
I eat’ll i nearly pop!

HC
And lizzie is comin’ Home!

JIM
Lizzie is on the way!

HC, NOAH & JIM
Lizzie’s arrivin’ Today!

NOAH & JIM
Got to get busy,

HC
Fix up for lizzie,

HC, NOAH & JIM
Lizzie’s comin’ Home!

NOAH
C’mon, jimmy, get a move on!

JIM
I’m tryin’ Noah!

NOAH
Well try harder!

JIM
When lizzie is here
I never feel so gawky.
When lizzie is here
I start to gettin’ Talky.

She listens for hours,
Askin’ Me questions.
I know the answers
When lizzie is here.
When lizzie is here,
I kinda forget’ I’m dumb.

HC & NOAH
And lizzie is comin’ Home!

JIM
Lizzie is on the way!

HC, NOAH & JIM
Lizzie’s arrivin’ Today!
(hallelujah!)
Got to get busy,
Fix up for lizzie.
Got to get hoppin’!
No time for stoppin’!
Lizzie’s comin’ ‘
Home!

(sung)
I rise again
Full size again,
And give those doubting Thomases a walloping surprise again!
I sneer at them,
I jeer at them,
I thumb my nose and bite my thumb and bare my royal rear at them!

With my back up against the wall,
With the wolves yapping at my heels,
With the noose tightening ‘round my neck,
That’s the time I know how really living feels.

With the wall up against my back,
With the water rising to my chin,
Chained and bound tight inside a sack,
That’s the plight that I’m delighted in!

For I have powers like Aladdin’s Genie did.
I do escape tricks better than Houdini did.
From the black of my cul-de-sac,
Do I crack and fall? No – I attack!
With my back up against the wall…

OLIVER & OWEN
Listen boss, you’ve got to use your brain.
Everyone you owe will meet the train

OSCAR
I Shine again,
All is mine again,
A fighter rising from the canvas at the count of nine – –

OLIVER & OWEN
Nine? The count is ten!
You’re out! The drums of doom are knocking.
Your theatre and your offices
The bankers will be locking.

OSCAR
I spit at them,
Spray flit at them.
I’ll face those grim Goliaths with my sling shot
And I’ll hit at them.

With my back up against the wall,
Angry birds pecking with their beaks
Or submerged, sealed inside a tomb –
That challenge brings the roses to my cheeks.

So rally ’round me now, my musketeering men.
We’ll turn that raging lynch mob into cheering men!
From the false reports of my demise,
Like the phoenix right before their eyes
With my back up against the wall…

OLIVER & OWEN
With his back up against the wall…

OSCAR
I rise again!

OLIVER & OWEN
Ah-ah-ah

ALL THREE
I (He’ll) rise again!

The first nickel I ever earned,
I keep in a little silver frame.
It’s how I gave my company a name,
Reminding me how very far I came!

I was a
Maker of the silhouettes
Who made a small improvement-
A little book of silhouettes
That simulated movement.
Well, people seemed to like it,
Soon the money’s going clink!
And I’m buffalo nickel photoplay, inc!

I go from
Silhouettes to photos.
I invent a small projector,
And soon, I’m making movies
And they’re calling me director!

An industry is dawning
And I’m standing on the brink-
Mister buffalo nickel photoplay, inc!

Life shines from the shadow screen
Comical, yet infinitely true.
People love to see what people do,
Here where everyone is someone new.

Such tales from the shadow screen!
Little men who never get the breaks,
Fighting on till something fin’lly takes-
What a lovely movie it all makes!

Well, business is booming
I’m happy to say.
I just made a contract
To film for pathe
A series of chapters
That end in suspense-
Each week, see what’s next
For another five cents!

And I am
Waking every morning
Filled with such anticipation!
I frame the sea,
I frame the sky.
And this is my vacation.

I shake your hand,
I kiss your hand,
I buy you all a drink!
And maybe if you chance to see
A movie that was made by me
Remember when the name goes by
That’s ash-k-e-n-a-z-y

The baron, now american,
Who happened once to think
Of silhouette and flicker book
And movies as they’re meant to look
And buffalo nickel photoplay, inc!
Action!

No lyrics at this time, if you would like to submit please email trevor@theatrenerds.com